2 posts tagged “my life”

Alright...

Well, let's start at the beginning. I met Leona in the 11th grade, in my art class. She seemed cool, although pretty unintelligent, I thought I could get around that though. We became friends quickly. Her weird quirks, though, started to annoy me more and more. How she couldn't stand the thought of disappointing other people, and always conformed to whatever situation she was in to make people like her.

For example:

I was skipping school with her in the bathroom, playing my video games, and talking out loud. Outside the door I heard some stranger ask her, "Do you know that girl?" She quickly replied, "No." Afterward, she told me about it, and pretending not to hear I asked her what she had told the girl she said, "I said yes."

For one thing, saying that to a complete stranger about a good friend just so you could look good to them for one second pisses me off to this day. What would stop her from abandoning me in any second?

She lies about so many things, I know, like her  Stepmother. She tells me horrible stories about her that I know, while they may be  bad, she greatly embellishes the story to make her stepmother seem all the more evil.

Leona says she "loves" me. The other day in the hot tub, I kissed her. Definitely a bad move on my part. I don't know what I was thinking. I had been feeling so lonely and I wanted someone to share my pain.

Leona says she likes girls, but I know for a fact she also likes guys. With all her lying, what's to stop me to believe she's just saying these things just to make me feel comfortable around her? She never gets close to me, it's always ME that has to make a move, she says she's "shy" but if she really loved me she'd at least make an effort to get close to me. And still, I fill like she's only thinking of herself.

After school got out, I only have two friends, Her and Craig, I can actually talk to (ie, not on the internet). I'm pretty sure I can't be with this person. What to do, what to do...

I'm sure I left some stuff out, but nothing unimportant I think... Anyways, that's what's up recently.

Well, let's start at the beginning. My father abandoned me when I was in the 6th grade, leading to severe self-esteem issues. My mother's father also abandoned her at about 3 years of age, and my grandmother's husband, my "grandfather" is a perverted old man. So I can say that I feel like all men have done and ever will do is dissapoint me. It's been that way all my life so far.

Anyway, my parents divorced when I was about two, and she met a new man called Chris. Chris was the closest thing I had to a father, even when my father was still there. I remember sobbing into his shirt, and him telling me "you can cry on my shoulder anytime."

Chris was an alcoholic. He hated himself more than anything. When he was drunk he would get stupid. And sometimes, he would be drunk so often it was just daily life. He often got sick from the alchohol and threw up randomly. The only person I could confide in was my best friend since 6th grade, Charla. I really needed her badly. She was my reason for living.

Chris' drinking only got worse. He went to rehab for about six months, and after that, he would have violent and angry mood swings, and I was often the target of them, because he couldn't drown his problems in alchohol. He collapsed and finally had another drink about a year later. But the angry mood swings continued about every week.

I got used to him yelling at my mom about me, making her cry, and then leaving to go get drunk. I remember trying to protect my mom once, and he called me a "worthless peice of shit". Keep in mind that Chris had never hit me, and told me he loved me often. What the hell kind of love is that?

Years later, I dropped out of school to get my GED. I was so stressed out and the added stress of school was really hard on me. My best friend Charla was angry with me. I figured that would be the last time we ever saw eachother, so I wrote her a letter. I told her that I loved her, more than a friend. She was the only good thing in my life for so many years. I told her I thought she would be disgusted with me. She was... I guess it was just that my love is disgusting. I lost my best friend for eight years because I told her I loved her.

About three months ago, I was sitting in my room on the computer. His eyes were already red, and he was drunk. At nine-o-clock in the freaking morning! He asked me if I had called the office of the place I was planning to work. He yelled at me to do it, and I burst into tears and screamed "STOP YELLING AT ME!" I think I had reached my limit. I was tired of him always belittling me and making me feel bad. He said I was pitiful. He left the room and I called my Mom at work to tell him he was already drunk.
He came by my door and I asked him what he was doing. He said, "I'm listening to what you say to them so you don't fuck up!" I told him I didn't call the office, I called my mom because he was scaring me. My mom said she was coming home. When he found out he laughed at me... It was so bad.. he just laughed and said I was pitiful. I just looked at him and told him to get the fuck out of my room. He raised his fist back like he was going to hit me. That's the last image in my head of the man that was like my father.

I grabbed my knife and curled into a ball on the ground, sobbing. I could hear him in the other room telling me to "Give it up already." So, I covered my ears. I lied there, sobbing, until my mom showed up and we left for good. You know what the last thing he said to me was? "Nice knowing you."

So yeah, that's how im doing.